i'm 26 now and dear god most of the time i find myself wishing i could just start over because of all the mistakes i've ever done. unfortunately, i have better reasons to keep on living but regrets are part of life and you've got to move on... even if it doesn't always work out.
i suspect that even among oddballs, i'd still be the most odd. not enough to be put in an institution but bad enough i guess.
so, reflecting back on certain things i'm sort of happy they happened though i wish they hadn't. why can't i just shit post in peace or be a hikikomori? i dunno.. i'm probably a bigger idiot for remaining out here where i'm now aware of things and leave things well enough alone. i bring this up because of certain factors i noticed in my college years. critical thinking and figuring out critical thinking.
the 2 are very different and not quite the same. if you want to make it in this world you need critical thinking. you need to be able to question things and not just be in an environment that encourages it. in an environment that encourages critical thinking, it becomes easy to be enamoured in a certain set of rules and philosophy. moreso because of your own private views and the expectation that you can voice them out without sounding like an idiot. that happened to me in college. i'm not the only there that has strident views but i'm the only one stupid enough to make them heard. i feel that this has cost me quite a few friendships and in a way i'm glad i decided to distance myself from a lot of my cohort and classmates; our views will never match and i would only be there to serve as a source of anxiety and frustration to others. "why won't he shut his whore mouth up?" would be the frequent thought in my classmates heads.
living in south east asia, we're usually indoctrinated not to speak out or against people, especially teachers or figures of authority. quite unsurprising then, that i become a rebel in any sort of environment with that sort of atmosphere. why? because i don't like conformity most of the time. but mostly i come to realize, its a sort of a rather weird desire to find out why we do things the way we do and that i think we can do them better. anyway, back to the awkward stares of death i get in the classroom. i think my favorite subject were the thesis classes but i was never really that good at them. the only reason i was any good at it was because i could string a coherent paragraph together. that doesn't necessarily mean that the whole thesis meant anything important. i think that my classmates won't and never will appreciate thesis classes simply because they're better artists than they are writers. which is fair and an easier path in life. who gives a toss about the patriarchy and the male gaze when all you want to do is render great looking pictures and will likely get paid more handsomely for said pictures. for me however, it was great. i never had any idea what academia would be like. it was in a way wonderful. finally, i discovered the real meaning of school.... so i would have thought back then.
i think without realizing it, i was being an SJW or social justice warrior without thinking or realizing it. Time does strange things to you, in my case, fully realizing what retard i'd become. i questioned guests sometimes without realizing why. i didn't understand why things had to be simple. a great and massively talented japanese animator had come in and i asked him, was there any reason his antagonistic aliens hated humans and he replied no. obviously, i got stink eyes from everyone in the room just for asking that question. who asks that? me. at the time, i got so wrapped up in the idea of making complex baddies and simple heroes. everything needed to have a motivation everything needed a cause. the thought bubble popped years later when i saw the minions movie and enjoyed it immensely because it was a movie about the minions being minions and nothing else. sheer simplicity. you don't need to be a pompous curator to enjoy that.
of course after that movie, my fragile, poorly structured world fell apart and came to the conclusion that in every waking second in college i was an asshole. correct. but now years later, i can spot things and begin to question them. this is the part of life that i figured out critical thinking. this was and still is the part of life where i am somewhat more aware of what i'm doing and of other people's sensitivities which in most cases, i don't give a toss about either anyway; but i'm at least now aware, you will be offended and why. i can't stress this enough. in a secure college environment that teaches critical thinking, you need something else to be paired with it: objectivity. this one i am very glad my dad thought this to me and hammered home the point like a broken tape recorder. being a lawyer, he needs to view the case from both ends of the stick to see what he can and cannot do. in fully understanding the case, he also understands his opponent and that allows him to create highly persuasive arguments.
for me, being objective allows me to look at issues and wonder: why are the parties involved doing it in such a way? this is the reason if i was american, i would have voted trump (i would have very much liked to have voted sanders). a lot of my friends and former friends view issues in a certain way. all lean to the left and they happen to just stop there. they don't appreciate it but i think they view things in a very black and white sort of manner, which is perfectly fine. it doesn't complicate life any more than necessary. but it does make it more difficult to drill down into the reasons such things happen. especially when you don't want to view things from the other party's point of view.
the take from this is this: college students, you can make as much noise as you want but bear in mind making so much noise will alienate you from your friends regardless of what you or they have been taught. nobody likes a snot nosed brat (apart from me... i wouldn't mind friendly banter over a beer or coffee). college spaces do tend to be echo chambers. if you consider yourself a maverick i have a great piece of advice that might allow you to survive college with friends.
i call this the odd number rule.
take any odd number : 1, 3, 5 or 7. if you add another odd number, it usually becomes an equal number, eg. 3 + 3 = 6. add another odd number again and the new answer is 9, an odd number. however, if you have an equal number like 2 or 4 and just continue adding equal numbers, you will never get an odd number. so, with that in mind, my point of this stupid analogy is that you as the odd number are adaptable. you can force yourself to fit into crowds you usually would not bother with. be a social chameleon, blend in. you don't necessarily have to force yourself to like everything they do. what you do is, you go to college, you learn. you learn to socialize and be civil with people you would not bother with. you learn how to shut up and just see what the teachers are telling you. you should of course try and find out why they say what they say in the manner they say, there'll be a good reason for it trust me. but do not, and i repeat do not do that during a class. that is their time and that is your classmates time. you can always find the lecturer or guest lecturer after and ask. do not ever, let yourself be guilt tripped into asking questions during a class even if the lecturer asks you a question or comments that the class is very silent.
i mention this because i happened to realize in college, i had very few close friends and am somewhat miserable because of it. was i a pariah? yeah, definitely. it was lonely and it was more awkward than not. am i projecting? possibly, but i'm going to come from a good place and say this because i don't think i'll be the only one here who thinks as i do. if you've got a stable bunch of friends, enjoy schools and colleges (i don't) then you needn't read this. am i a wuss for writing this? perhaps. but a lot of us go through different stresses at different times. will i still judge others based on what i'm seeing? yes. for the simple reason that until more evidence to disprove what i see appears.
i'll give you an example of this. i used to religiously watch The Young Turks and gobbled up a lot of what they said as truth. reasons were simple. they were an alternative news source that wasn't fox news, they were on the internet and had an easy to access youtube channel. they presented the news in a way contra to what mainstream news presented. consequently, i've stopped listening and following them because most of the time they just seem to spout vitriol for the sake of it. i forgot which video was the one that ultimately made me quit them but i think it was more of a build up. they always bashed fox news which was fine. but more often they would bash the american police moreso than needed and when evidence to counter certain stories appeared, they never addressed it and continually insisted they were right. i think it was more of the unnecessary levels of hate they have for certain issues. you can't really trust a news source that is no longer impartial but i definitely didn't need to hear this level of profanity dumping on a daily basis.
actually, i have to thank my lecturers, all of them for seeding these life lessons in my head. i may not be the best student, best artist, 3d modeller or whatever, but i am grateful for them teaching me the things i know now. that's all....
i suspect that even among oddballs, i'd still be the most odd. not enough to be put in an institution but bad enough i guess.
so, reflecting back on certain things i'm sort of happy they happened though i wish they hadn't. why can't i just shit post in peace or be a hikikomori? i dunno.. i'm probably a bigger idiot for remaining out here where i'm now aware of things and leave things well enough alone. i bring this up because of certain factors i noticed in my college years. critical thinking and figuring out critical thinking.
the 2 are very different and not quite the same. if you want to make it in this world you need critical thinking. you need to be able to question things and not just be in an environment that encourages it. in an environment that encourages critical thinking, it becomes easy to be enamoured in a certain set of rules and philosophy. moreso because of your own private views and the expectation that you can voice them out without sounding like an idiot. that happened to me in college. i'm not the only there that has strident views but i'm the only one stupid enough to make them heard. i feel that this has cost me quite a few friendships and in a way i'm glad i decided to distance myself from a lot of my cohort and classmates; our views will never match and i would only be there to serve as a source of anxiety and frustration to others. "why won't he shut his whore mouth up?" would be the frequent thought in my classmates heads.
living in south east asia, we're usually indoctrinated not to speak out or against people, especially teachers or figures of authority. quite unsurprising then, that i become a rebel in any sort of environment with that sort of atmosphere. why? because i don't like conformity most of the time. but mostly i come to realize, its a sort of a rather weird desire to find out why we do things the way we do and that i think we can do them better. anyway, back to the awkward stares of death i get in the classroom. i think my favorite subject were the thesis classes but i was never really that good at them. the only reason i was any good at it was because i could string a coherent paragraph together. that doesn't necessarily mean that the whole thesis meant anything important. i think that my classmates won't and never will appreciate thesis classes simply because they're better artists than they are writers. which is fair and an easier path in life. who gives a toss about the patriarchy and the male gaze when all you want to do is render great looking pictures and will likely get paid more handsomely for said pictures. for me however, it was great. i never had any idea what academia would be like. it was in a way wonderful. finally, i discovered the real meaning of school.... so i would have thought back then.
i think without realizing it, i was being an SJW or social justice warrior without thinking or realizing it. Time does strange things to you, in my case, fully realizing what retard i'd become. i questioned guests sometimes without realizing why. i didn't understand why things had to be simple. a great and massively talented japanese animator had come in and i asked him, was there any reason his antagonistic aliens hated humans and he replied no. obviously, i got stink eyes from everyone in the room just for asking that question. who asks that? me. at the time, i got so wrapped up in the idea of making complex baddies and simple heroes. everything needed to have a motivation everything needed a cause. the thought bubble popped years later when i saw the minions movie and enjoyed it immensely because it was a movie about the minions being minions and nothing else. sheer simplicity. you don't need to be a pompous curator to enjoy that.
of course after that movie, my fragile, poorly structured world fell apart and came to the conclusion that in every waking second in college i was an asshole. correct. but now years later, i can spot things and begin to question them. this is the part of life that i figured out critical thinking. this was and still is the part of life where i am somewhat more aware of what i'm doing and of other people's sensitivities which in most cases, i don't give a toss about either anyway; but i'm at least now aware, you will be offended and why. i can't stress this enough. in a secure college environment that teaches critical thinking, you need something else to be paired with it: objectivity. this one i am very glad my dad thought this to me and hammered home the point like a broken tape recorder. being a lawyer, he needs to view the case from both ends of the stick to see what he can and cannot do. in fully understanding the case, he also understands his opponent and that allows him to create highly persuasive arguments.
for me, being objective allows me to look at issues and wonder: why are the parties involved doing it in such a way? this is the reason if i was american, i would have voted trump (i would have very much liked to have voted sanders). a lot of my friends and former friends view issues in a certain way. all lean to the left and they happen to just stop there. they don't appreciate it but i think they view things in a very black and white sort of manner, which is perfectly fine. it doesn't complicate life any more than necessary. but it does make it more difficult to drill down into the reasons such things happen. especially when you don't want to view things from the other party's point of view.
the take from this is this: college students, you can make as much noise as you want but bear in mind making so much noise will alienate you from your friends regardless of what you or they have been taught. nobody likes a snot nosed brat (apart from me... i wouldn't mind friendly banter over a beer or coffee). college spaces do tend to be echo chambers. if you consider yourself a maverick i have a great piece of advice that might allow you to survive college with friends.
i call this the odd number rule.
take any odd number : 1, 3, 5 or 7. if you add another odd number, it usually becomes an equal number, eg. 3 + 3 = 6. add another odd number again and the new answer is 9, an odd number. however, if you have an equal number like 2 or 4 and just continue adding equal numbers, you will never get an odd number. so, with that in mind, my point of this stupid analogy is that you as the odd number are adaptable. you can force yourself to fit into crowds you usually would not bother with. be a social chameleon, blend in. you don't necessarily have to force yourself to like everything they do. what you do is, you go to college, you learn. you learn to socialize and be civil with people you would not bother with. you learn how to shut up and just see what the teachers are telling you. you should of course try and find out why they say what they say in the manner they say, there'll be a good reason for it trust me. but do not, and i repeat do not do that during a class. that is their time and that is your classmates time. you can always find the lecturer or guest lecturer after and ask. do not ever, let yourself be guilt tripped into asking questions during a class even if the lecturer asks you a question or comments that the class is very silent.
i mention this because i happened to realize in college, i had very few close friends and am somewhat miserable because of it. was i a pariah? yeah, definitely. it was lonely and it was more awkward than not. am i projecting? possibly, but i'm going to come from a good place and say this because i don't think i'll be the only one here who thinks as i do. if you've got a stable bunch of friends, enjoy schools and colleges (i don't) then you needn't read this. am i a wuss for writing this? perhaps. but a lot of us go through different stresses at different times. will i still judge others based on what i'm seeing? yes. for the simple reason that until more evidence to disprove what i see appears.
i'll give you an example of this. i used to religiously watch The Young Turks and gobbled up a lot of what they said as truth. reasons were simple. they were an alternative news source that wasn't fox news, they were on the internet and had an easy to access youtube channel. they presented the news in a way contra to what mainstream news presented. consequently, i've stopped listening and following them because most of the time they just seem to spout vitriol for the sake of it. i forgot which video was the one that ultimately made me quit them but i think it was more of a build up. they always bashed fox news which was fine. but more often they would bash the american police moreso than needed and when evidence to counter certain stories appeared, they never addressed it and continually insisted they were right. i think it was more of the unnecessary levels of hate they have for certain issues. you can't really trust a news source that is no longer impartial but i definitely didn't need to hear this level of profanity dumping on a daily basis.
actually, i have to thank my lecturers, all of them for seeding these life lessons in my head. i may not be the best student, best artist, 3d modeller or whatever, but i am grateful for them teaching me the things i know now. that's all....
