i still want to go home

at some point in time. i think it will be best to assume that i will need to commit suicide.

i want to stop living, go straight to hell and live there.

i'm somehow fucking rubbish at everything except english. why?

i would love to travel back in time and kill myself as when i was forming as an embryo. cause myself to become a fucking miscarriage.

i think we need to stop feeding our children garbage and telling them they can be whatever the fuck they want to be. because money is always fucking more important than having lived satisfied.

why can't suicide be a legitimate reset button?

i've made so many mistakes. and i will continue making mistakes as i live. i don't want to fucking making mistakes anymore. end the fucking story already.

live and work till 60. retire with a fat bank account. are you not happy? i'm not.

i need to kill myself so many times that i will not be reborn for the next 3000 cycles.

show me a picture of someone truly living the good life. and i'll tell you, that fucking bastard's a one in a million. then ask the fucker, why isn't that you then?

i'm done being pessimistic. don't tell me to be optimistic. you should instead encourage me to be a very good casual conman.

if people like me committed suicide more often, i can guarantee that we'll have stopped world hunger, ended the debt crises and fixed the overpopulation problem.

never compare me or others in my position to someone in a destitute country. we're not brought up the same. and were our positions swapped i can't guarantee that person would not give a fuck about me either. we do not live the same lives. i certainly don't take things for granted. but i certainly will have different priorities than the destitute person. let's put it this way. let me give an example: your child and another person's child are both at opposite ends of the same room, you are in the middle of your room; at the ends of the room are horrific traps designed to kill both kids in a heartbeat. which child would you save first? in most cases, it would be your own. my point? you have your own priorities. you will almost always place you and yours ahead of others. your opportunities have afforded you to be worried about other things. you would have enough issues on your plate that you wouldn't even think of worrying about another person, at least not till they appear in the news. and even so, you'd worry about them for only a short while. focus on the things that matter most to yourself. the only reason you should care about others is when you are secure in your own position. get your own house in order before fixing someone else's.

i fucking hate life. you've equipped me with certain skills that i can use or sell as a service. but you always remove the things i want to improve upon. and even then good luck, because someone else would have rolled the dice and scored perfectly. somehow we're always expected to top that. i want to kill myself.

i have failed at life. i have failed to give it anything meaningful. i have failed myself. i cannot do anything i wanted to do and the things i am good at are rubbish. i fucked up my education. i fucked myself. now, i can't even commit suicide because of my parents and family. if i continue i know for sure i'll have a mid life crisis or just off myself. if only it were that easy though. i'm never going to be successful. i'll never taste even a drop of it. i'm a drone in an office in the middle of a desert. i will never equate success in that office as a personal success. i'm depressed that nothing i do will ever come to fruition and whatever so-called good opportunities i have take me further away from what i want. i'm far enough now that i've lost sight of what i've always wanted and can't go back. i can't pull all nighters anymore. i'm out of shape. i past the stage of being fucking suicidal. i'm tired. i want to end this. i just want to disappear and never exist. i hate the charlatans that preach to us that we can be whatever we set our minds to. we can't and we won't ever make it. i always take good things with a pinch of salt. there's always a fucking catch somewhere. i hate the fact i'm reduced to working in an office. that's not where i want to be. and if you want to work in a fucking office, you can fucking have it. leave me out of it. i want to go home.

i'm in my own house, in my own room and i still tell myself that i want to go home.

parental control, or lack thereof

we live in times where we are ruled by fear, terrorism and market prices. so, it is little surprise that most news today is bad news and that no news is often good news. it is also perhaps little surprise then, that much of the world has labeled video games as a source of vital concern to the well being of their children. there are those who feel that video games in all forms are nothing more than devices used to twist the minds of their children and corrupt them into little devils. video games are at best in their eyes, time wasters.

perhaps there is a little truth in parents' stance against video games. some games are definitely not for children under a certain age as the themes tackled and shown by a game may not be suitable for them or maybe of a much more mature topic like politics; a realm possibly even dirtier than label given to video games. games like 'Mortal Kombat' and 'Custer's Revenge' are early progenitors of mature and overtly adult material in what are supposedly "children's" games. at the time these games were released, the ESRB or Entertainment Software Rating Board was not yet formed or any form of advisory panel for that matter. the ESRB was formed as a response to the increasingly large number of games that included what was deemed as mature content or things that are inappropriate for children.

one would think that the formation of such a board would have led to less children receiving games of questionable or mature content; that parents upon seeing the labels in stark black and white would think twice about buying 'Grand Theft Auto V' for 6 year old child. well, in an alternate reality this might be true but in our world, it isn't. most gamers today will agree, that in games that have been rated for people above a specific age, there still are children well below that age who still manage to get their little paws on them; never mind that they have microphones as well. a clear example would be games such as "Team Fortress 2" is rated M. M means mature, which means only people above the age of 17 or are 17 should be allowed to buy the game and play it. yet, somehow on Youtube there exist videos showing children no older than 12 entering servers in the game and causing much grief to other players, in a rather ironical way.

the issue therefore, doesn't seem to lie so much with the failings of the ESRB system but the consumers who are either illiterate or are unwilling to even glimpse at what it is they are buying. parents in general appear to not care what it is they are buying for their children. in their mind, any game is suitable for children, because it is a game. they think of this as much in the same way that any and all cartoons are silly little things that only children will like and enjoy. a slightly less negligent view is that the children pressure their own parents into buying a game and in an effort to get the child to shut up, parents give in. however, the former issue of parents not looking at the game they are buying seems to be of greater concern as well as the root problem in my opinion.

it is ironically, very childish of American parents and family associations to blame both the ESRB services and the video game industry for their failings as parents. little wonder then, that with each generation humans appear to become stupider in general. this is a culture that appears to have begun sometime in the eighties where movies started to branch out into the action hero genre, where blood was spilled by the tanker load, explosions lit the night skies and sex was something that was no longer confined to porn magazines and dirty little tapes. the pattern appears to be that as a part of the entertainment industry matures and delves into other risque areas of the human psyche, parents' become increasingly unable or unwilling to inspect what it is their children are up to. another great example would be of rap music in the nineties, when music started to become rather crass and shallow, with lyrics transforming from beautiful rhythms to a rather graphic description of how large that lady's buttocks are and how the "singer" would like to "tap it". parents were furious on a global scale but decided not to intervene in any way, opting instead to throw ire and flak at the music industry.

it is perhaps time to look at how an actual parent should function. a parent should take an interest in whatever it is their child is doing. a parent must be aware of what their child is up to. if the child is accessing pornography, the parent must have the guts to talk of the birds and the bees or whatever is applicable for this generation. if we take a step into the world of gamers, we find that it is perhaps rather strangely, polluted by what are supposedly pure children of a certain age group. going back to the videos of underage gamers on Youtube, we see this is a sort of pandemic that nobody has actually thought of addressing. in most cases, underage gamers are a source of unnecessary stress to online multiplayer gamers. gamers prefer the camaraderie of a person or persons within his or her age group, a person who is mature enough to understand the finer aspects of a certain game as opposed to the irascible shouting, screaming, crying and more shocking to parents of said underage child gamer, cursing.

to take a slight detour, the very fact that underage gamers curse is a rather glaring fact that parenting has not been done all that well. the fact the child has access to a microphone shows that the child is to a degree, spoiled by what is possibly very disposable income. in short, the parents do not care much for their child. the child becomes a burden to feed, dress and house until said burden goes away to become a burden to someone else. rather neatly this brings us to the fact that parents who are irresponsible should not even be given the ability to "care" for their child.

perhaps rather fittingly, most people will choose to ignore family associations these days as they do nothing but reinforce the stupidity of our age. they become clubs where supposedly aggrieved parents come together in mutual suffrage and vent it upon the industry they unwittingly aid anyway. i bemoan the fact that the ESRB system, despite working well enough for most of the part fails simply because the people the system is supposed to inform are not listening to it. maybe the biggest red flag that parents aren't doing their work in the first place is the fact that we needed an ESRB system anyway.