For a long time, I called Singapore home; that's about 5 years and
give or take a few months. It wasn’t a difficult move from Malaysia. The plan
was simple, I would leave Malaysia, hopefully for good, to go to study in
Singapore and secure a permanent job there for a time. Singapore would be my
stepping stone. It sort of was and wasn’t. But the thing is here, I could
appreciate things others might have taken for granted a lot better.
To give context to what I mean, I have to give more of my
background information. I was raised in a relatively strict family. My mum
would be the whip or cane while my father was more lenient but not by that much
in comparison. My mum frequently blew her top and my dad less so, though it was
never any less scary. Almost everything in my life up to this point was
directed and advised by my mum. Course, if I couldn’t take or understand
certain things to my satisfaction, I would not do them or do them well. An
example that my mum regularly brings up is my piano classes. I did not understand
at the time why music was so important and never gave any time to practice and
even if I did it was always begrudgingly and so as to not get scolded further.
I never moved past beginner level, which was fine because piano classes were
expensive and I didn’t appreciate the instrument when I was younger. My mum
assumed because that as a child I would automatically go and learn a new
subject and take to it. Music and learning piano was good for the brain, that
was her understanding. Course, to me at the time, I didn’t want anything to do
with it because it was time being taken away that I could waste on other things
I preferred. It was only in college that I realized music would’ve been
important to me more literally if I could actually use it in a project rather
literally, rather than follow some expert’s theory that it would grow the brain
in a more balanced manner. I still do not regret that decision not to pursue
music at the time because I didn’t understand the importance.
Anyway, my household has always been very strict. As such, I
grew up rather polite and friendly because if I was rude in any way, I would be
scolded and punished for even the slightest thing. Sounds harsh but I
appreciate the efforts my parents put in so that I would not grow into a little
shit like most other children these days. For me, responsibility was more about
doing something so I wouldn’t get scolded. I grew not to know how to appreciate
positive feedback because I very rarely
ever received nice comments. As my ex so succintly put it, I was an emotional
dwarf. I never knew how to react in a public situation because my mum would
always take the lead and I would just follow. There were so many things in life
I grew up expecting there to be certain rules and ways to do things simply
because my mum would scold me if I didn’t do it “properly”. Of course, because
of this I would get stuck in certain modes as I wouldn’t get scolded this way.
Ridiculously enough, my mum would still scold me for being inflexible. Rather
fortunately, I was very open to new ideas, which is why I frequently rebelled
against everything and anything being forced onto me. This is the part of me
that my mum hates but I feel she never understood or bothered to learn why.
In a way, my biggest act of rebellion was to badger my
parents to send me to Singapore. Well, not so much badger, suggest. The act of
badgering was to ask them to get me into an art college. I had to prove that
doing animation was both profitable and good. I managed to sell my case to my
mum though my dad had difficulty understanding it and always insisted I go to
learn law which was a laugh because every time I stepped into his study room it
was so choked full of law literature that I was always daunted by it. At any
rate, my initial frolicking about in an art college was at The One Academy.
That was an…. Interesting and necessary experience. From there I learned what
to expect from an art school and what might make a good art school. After
dropping out, I set about moping and looking for a new college. Eventually, I
took up my mum’s suggestion and we took a trip down to Singapore to check out
the offerings. I tried for Digipen but the requirements were a bit….high. I did
however get a lead from there to try out at LASALLE. To this day, LASALLE has
been my most important milestone, next to joining a certain baking retail
company.
This started my actual learning phase. Learning about life,
not just art and animation. The most important ingredient to this was the
freedom from my parents. In Singapore, I could actually and finally be myself
because I had breathing room. Don’t get me wrong, I will always be grateful for
my parents near harsh upbringing and they did do it well. I didn’t turn out a
piece of shit. However, it was in Singapore that I was able to finally learn
how to socialize properly. I had to learn how to make decisions on my own and
above all, actually live life the way I wanted to. My life will never be the
life that my parents want it to be, which is fine because I’m happy even if my line
would never be stable.
Singapore gave me my first girlfriend, subsequently ex.
Being here also taught me how to appreciate my family more. My living was in
stark constrast to some of the more, debilitatingly spoilt students and some of
the most hard working students who were ferociously and proudly independent. I
knew I had to strive to become even more independent. That materialized for
only a short while. After graduating from LASALLE, there was the problem of
work. One good thing about Singapore was how much of a slap in the face it
gives you when it comes to grant repayment: you can have a degree but still
wind up working as a road sweeper, just to pay off your grant and the
Singaporean Ministry of Education won’t give a fuck about it.
This aspect of living in Singapore always rankled. The ideal
situation would be that you apply what you learned in Singapore and actually
contribute to your industry in Singapore, not work as a shop assistant at the
arse end of the industry; selling accessories and merchandise that related to
animation. Life is like that though. I eventually stopped work and had to leave
Singapore as my passes expired and no one would hire a Malaysian when they had
quotas of Singaporeans to fulfill. I have seen so many companies get their
desired talents turned away because they needed more Singaporean talents…. In
certain cases, Singaporean talents that realize that working actually involves
work and run away after a single day, bringing everyone back to square one.
And so, here I am, on my way back to visit my brother in
Singapore. He’ll have a much better chance than me because he’s in the business
field and Singapore could always use more of those. I think the most important
thing about Singapore was that it was safe enough that I could have enough
freedom to learn more about myself and to figure out how to live life. A lot of
my life growing up was very metered, very measured. I could never go and take
an extensive risk without getting a chiding from my parents. I suppose my
failure to get a first degree from LASALLE has continued to contribute to this
issue. Growing up, I think I have never been allowed room to fail. Failure is
important. It is living through and past failure that life shows you how not to
do certain things. It is important because it is part of experimentation, to
see what works. My parents never tolerate failure I feel. This is most likely
the reason why I myself and afraid of failure. But now, pushing close to 26, I
realize, I do need to fail or attempt to fail in the hopes that I do not.
Because sitting here in a stupid office chair waiting for the right moment
feels fucking dumb. I find it ironic that they themselves keep reminding me to
try different things but all I see is them insisting their methods are correct.
I know that they are, but they will never bring me the results I need: actual
work in a creative field. They are thinking of stability. Stabilty means money,
less stress and absolute boredom. A life of febrile servitude to a corporate
being that cares not a whim for the individual employee. Now, that is not life,
that is stagnation. That is the way to developing a mid-life crisis and I will
not have any part of it.
Writing this now, I do believe it is time to just up and
quit. Start afresh. Have actual goals that I know I can and must accomplish. My
goals will be more of a loose series of guidelines and targets. But it matters
not, long as I do not die in an office chair, I’m happy. So, thank you
Singapore for the unexpected freedoms you’ve allowed me from my parents. Don’t
get me wrong, I don’t hate my parents for doing the things they’ve done and in
fact, love them for it, but I do value freedom just a bit more than the stiff
rules they have set up for me in the past.
